“I was born with a spirit that sought to hide itself.”
Chapter 1: Childhood and Early Awareness
The protagonist, Kochan, recounts his early childhood in wartime Japan. From a young age, he feels different from other boys, fascinated by images of masculine beauty and death. He becomes aware of his attraction to men but suppresses these feelings, fearing societal rejection. His fascination with martyrdom and suffering foreshadows his later psychological struggles.
Chapter 2: The Mask of Normality
As Kochan grows older, he constructs a “mask” of conventional behavior to hide his true desires. He forces himself to perform masculinity, pretending interest in women while secretly fixating on male figures. His internal conflict intensifies as he struggles to reconcile his identity with societal expectations.
Chapter 3: Obsession and Fantasy
Kochan becomes obsessed with a classmate, Omi, who embodies his idealized masculine beauty. His fantasies about Omi mix desire and violence, revealing his complex relationship with sexuality. These fantasies remain hidden, deepening his sense of isolation. He begins to see his desires as something shameful and unnatural.
Chapter 4: Failed Romance and Self-Deception
Attempting to conform, Kochan pursues a relationship with a woman, Sonoko. Though he admires her, he feels no genuine attraction. He fabricates emotions to maintain the facade, but his inability to love her authentically leads to guilt and self-loathing. The relationship ultimately collapses under the weight of his deception.
Chapter 5: The Collapse of the Mask
Kochan’s psychological turmoil reaches its peak. He realizes his mask is unsustainable, yet he fears the consequences of revealing his true self. The novel ends ambiguously, with Kochan trapped between his desires and the oppressive norms of society, resigned to a life of hidden suffering.
Key Ideas
- Struggle between societal conformity and personal identity
- Psychological torment of repressed homosexuality
- Fascination with death, beauty, and martyrdom
- The constructed “mask” as a survival mechanism
- Isolation caused by self-deception
Who should read this book?
- Readers interested in psychological introspection and identity struggles
- Fans of Japanese postwar literature
- Those exploring themes of sexuality and repression