“I must escape. I must escape from this infantile self of mine.”
Chapter 1: The Birth of a Monstrous Child
The novel opens with Bird, a young man in his late twenties, receiving devastating news: his newborn son has a severe brain hernia, leaving him deformed and unlikely to survive long. Overwhelmed by shame and fear, Bird grapples with the idea of abandoning the child to avoid the burden of raising a disabled son. He contemplates fleeing his responsibilities, both as a father and a husband, while wrestling with his own sense of inadequacy.
Chapter 2: Escaping Reality
Bird retreats into alcohol and self-pity, avoiding the hospital where his wife and child remain. He reconnects with an old flame, Himiko, who offers him temporary solace. Meanwhile, his wife, still recovering from childbirth, remains unaware of Bird’s inner turmoil. His fantasies of escape grow stronger, fueled by his fear of societal judgment and personal failure.
Chapter 3: The Weight of Fatherhood
As the days pass, Bird’s guilt intensifies. He visits the baby but is repulsed by its appearance, reinforcing his desire to run away. He considers a plan to let the child die through neglect, rationalizing it as a mercy. Meanwhile, his relationship with Himiko becomes increasingly unstable, reflecting his own fractured psyche.
Chapter 4: A Desperate Decision
Bird reaches a breaking point and decides to take drastic action. He contacts a shady doctor who agrees to euthanize the baby in exchange for money. However, as the moment of truth approaches, Bird is paralyzed by doubt. He questions whether his actions are driven by compassion or cowardice.
Chapter 5: Confrontation and Redemption
In a moment of clarity, Bird realizes he cannot go through with his plan. He returns to the hospital, where he finally accepts his son’s condition. The novel ends with Bird embracing his role as a father, acknowledging that true maturity comes from facing hardship rather than fleeing from it.
Key Ideas
- Existential crisis and the struggle for self-identity
- The moral dilemma of disability and societal rejection
- Fatherhood as a transformative, albeit painful, experience
- Escapism versus responsibility in personal growth
- The conflict between individual desire and societal expectations
Who should read this book?
- Readers interested in psychological and existential literature
- Those exploring themes of disability and parenthood
- Fans of postwar Japanese fiction
- Individuals grappling with personal responsibility